The Egg Came First, Alright?!

Well, well, well… Well, where to begin? What came first; the chicken or the egg?!

The egg did, obviously. Done.

Why even ask? What does it (or anything) matter? Well, well, er, it doesn’t but I’m bored…

Before we proceed, I must point out this is MY opinion on MY blog, so it’s unequivocally correct. You're in the wrong simpy being here.

Now to the task at hand, the egg came first of course, silly. As evolution dictates the bird that laid said egg would not have been what we’d consider the ‘modern’ chicken – monocle, top hat, penchant for the ladies (hens) of the night, I digress.

Each stage of evolution is mutation from the last, an anomaly of the previous blue print and the egg that contained Chickenus Numero Uno (the scientific name for the first ever chicken*) was itself a freak of nature, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Cockerel, probably. Which just so happens , like its forefathers, to taste delicious in a secret Kentucky recipe of breadcrumbs and spices, finger lickin’ good, some would proclaim.

So there you have it, the least scientific explanation of anything ever!

While we’re at it, some people say:

 ‘If we evolved from apes, how come there are still gorillas about?’

These people can kill themselves.

We (not people who ask this) evolved alongside apes, like ducks evolved alongside Ninja Cockerels (Chickens) and the cast of MTV’s ‘Geordie Shore’ evolved alongside amoebas and other pond life…

Gorillas in the mist or mugs that are pisssed?

So there you have it, a whole wall of absolute nonsense.

Maybe I’m just bitter… And I am.

 

*Lies, all lies.

Heckling: It’s not big and it’s certainly not clever.

We’re all self-entitled cunts (pardon my French); we think that by purchasing something it must be to our liking always… Not the case, first time you tried Dr Pepper some of you thought ‘not for me’, did you write to the Coca Cola Company to air your disdain, of course not. Yet when you pay £2 for an amateur comedy show and don’t like one joke or one act you think that entitles you to shout-out, to interrupt a show and be an aggressive bellend?!

Heckling at an amateur night isn’t cool, it’s not “part of the territory” or banter… Or something a comic should learn to deal with!

If it were acceptable why is it always only one dickhead or table of dickheads doing it? Why aren’t the other 200 people in the room doing it?!

If you were seeing a play that you weren’t enjoying, what would you do? At worst you’d walk out but you certainly wouldn’t shout something as unimaginative as “You’re shit” so why is that acceptable a comedy gig?

How big of a bellend was that heckler?

 

This isn’t just speaking as an amateur comic, I’ve never had anything as banal a “You’re shit” said to me but I have been heckled, and as a purveyor of stand-up nothing takes me out the moment of enjoying a good gig more than some cretin peacocking in front of his friends or haggard girlfriend.

You’re not part of the show.

You’re there to witness it, that’s why the seats are pointed at the stage and only one person has a microphone.

Sure, if the comedian asks you a question it’s a given you should answer but ask any comic ever if he thinks someone shouting out unannounced has helped a show and you’ll be greeted with a resounding ‘Hell no!’…

Sure, sometimes this results in hilarious comebacks that a lot of comics pre-write or quickly snap back but no comic wants to be heckled. They have jokes they’ve spent months writing and honing and only a set amount of time to tell them and you’re cutting into that time by being obnoxious effectively making the comic have to edit material on the fly and I have personally seen many an amateur drop the ball as a result.

If you’re a self-aware cunt (bloody French) and insist on heckling at least save it for the big dogs that’re actually getting paid, the little guy is already doing the gig for less than free as they had to cover their own travel costs and any drinks they consume.

There’s an old saying which applies: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” and the great Louis Ck took it to the next level when he said “If you have something you need to say to me, here’s what you do; you go outside, write it on a bit of paper and then you go kill yourself!”

Maybe I’m just bitter… And I am.