A bitter Christmas message.

So, the world didn’t end. Shame. They say “you can sleep when you’re dead” and I was looking forward to that!

There’s something grimly satisfying about being a misery. I almost enjoy my disdain for humanity and its inhabitants, it’s comforting. It gives me something to talk about, complain about, a purpose. Humans are disgusting, just watch the news or visit a shopping centre.

Our ability of delusion is incredible, we think we’re so much better than the animals we parade in our homes and zoos but look at us; meat sacks of varying shape, size and levels of hair growth. A collection of orifices spewing different waste products of different colours and consistencies; all disgusting (except bogeys, everyone likes bogeys!) and all of us think we have this great purpose, that someday it’ll all work out, we’ll eat a magical bean that will turn us into successful, attractive and most importantly: rich, Gods!

Well I hate to burst your bubble (not really, I love it) but someone has to get ran over by a bus or contract the first known case of Buttburstsuperdeath-itis.

Thankfully we have this amazing survival instinct which helps us forget about the futility of existence, the same instinct that lets us forget an advert for starving children or abused poodles; ignorance.

They say “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all’ but what’s worse, being the arsehole who speaks his mind or the freak who’s a mute?

Sometimes I wish I could believe in religion, it must be comforting to believe you’ll go to a nice place when you pop your clogs and not just rot in some hole but I can’t and that’s a story for another time.

Is Christmas not the worst offender though?! My friends and I are Atheists and I’m certainly not here to lord it over anyone but why in God’s name do we celebrate Christmas; presents.

At 26, I have a job with enough expendable income to purchase any clothes, DVD’s or games I want, yet I’m not going to lie, I can’t wait to unwrap some shit I could have bought myself (not that I’ve ever bought myself socks), God bless you Saint Nick.

Does anyone think it’s a tad strange we give each other presents on Jesus’ birthday? We don’t do that for anyone else, I think we need something about June time to break up the year so from now on you can celebrate my birthday June 13^th, we’ll call it Mistakemas and encourage a new holiday of promiscuity.

Anyway, I am really looking forward to eating rubbish food guilt free because it’s Christmas!

I mean meat wrapped in more meat is worth the price of entry alone; pigs in blankets anyone? Yeah, because I regular consider meat from the same species a blanket… Could we dominate an animal more?! But don’t feel guilty just get that tasty goodness down your neck.

So eat well friends, drink too much, despise relatives you have to spend time with and exchange gifts you could have got yourself because it’s Christmas and Jesus loves you.

I’m off to wrap my presents and eat crap till I explode.

Merry Christmas, what have you got me?

Edit: I received my Die Hard Christmas Jumper yesterday which means I don't get to parade it's cuntiness in all it's tacky glory. So to rectify this just think of me as a cunt for an extra 5 minutes than you normally would.