A bitter Christmas message.

So, the world didn’t end. Shame. They say “you can sleep when you’re dead” and I was looking forward to that!

There’s something grimly satisfying about being a misery. I almost enjoy my disdain for humanity and its inhabitants, it’s comforting. It gives me something to talk about, complain about, a purpose. Humans are disgusting, just watch the news or visit a shopping centre.

Our ability of delusion is incredible, we think we’re so much better than the animals we parade in our homes and zoos but look at us; meat sacks of varying shape, size and levels of hair growth. A collection of orifices spewing different waste products of different colours and consistencies; all disgusting (except bogeys, everyone likes bogeys!) and all of us think we have this great purpose, that someday it’ll all work out, we’ll eat a magical bean that will turn us into successful, attractive and most importantly: rich, Gods!

Well I hate to burst your bubble (not really, I love it) but someone has to get ran over by a bus or contract the first known case of Buttburstsuperdeath-itis.

Thankfully we have this amazing survival instinct which helps us forget about the futility of existence, the same instinct that lets us forget an advert for starving children or abused poodles; ignorance.

They say “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all’ but what’s worse, being the arsehole who speaks his mind or the freak who’s a mute?

Sometimes I wish I could believe in religion, it must be comforting to believe you’ll go to a nice place when you pop your clogs and not just rot in some hole but I can’t and that’s a story for another time.

Is Christmas not the worst offender though?! My friends and I are Atheists and I’m certainly not here to lord it over anyone but why in God’s name do we celebrate Christmas; presents.

At 26, I have a job with enough expendable income to purchase any clothes, DVD’s or games I want, yet I’m not going to lie, I can’t wait to unwrap some shit I could have bought myself (not that I’ve ever bought myself socks), God bless you Saint Nick.

Does anyone think it’s a tad strange we give each other presents on Jesus’ birthday? We don’t do that for anyone else, I think we need something about June time to break up the year so from now on you can celebrate my birthday June 13^th, we’ll call it Mistakemas and encourage a new holiday of promiscuity.

Anyway, I am really looking forward to eating rubbish food guilt free because it’s Christmas!

I mean meat wrapped in more meat is worth the price of entry alone; pigs in blankets anyone? Yeah, because I regular consider meat from the same species a blanket… Could we dominate an animal more?! But don’t feel guilty just get that tasty goodness down your neck.

So eat well friends, drink too much, despise relatives you have to spend time with and exchange gifts you could have got yourself because it’s Christmas and Jesus loves you.

I’m off to wrap my presents and eat crap till I explode.

Merry Christmas, what have you got me?

Edit: I received my Die Hard Christmas Jumper yesterday which means I don't get to parade it's cuntiness in all it's tacky glory. So to rectify this just think of me as a cunt for an extra 5 minutes than you normally would.

Oh Christmas blog, oh Christmas blog...

So this is Christmas, and what have you done?

I’ve struggled to stay jolly, mostly. If one more shop worker wishes me a ‘Merry Christmas’ I'm going to have to punch a pensioner to restore the balance!
 
Christmas carollers can nick off too; I shouldn't feel awkward closing my own front door, even if it is in a child's face.
It needs to be regulated - they should ask if you want carols so you can politely decline - instead you open the door to them already singing and feel obliged to give them something; it's like someone shoving a mince pie in your mouth then asking for 50p.
I like to stop them mid-song Simon Cowell style *raises hand* 'sorry guys I just wasn't feeling it, I'm struggling to see who will buy your album!'
I'd have Dermott O'Leary just stood at the end on my garden to find out how they felt about my comments.
 
Everyone on Facebook needs to bugger off with the Coca Cola advert mentions too! I'm sick of it. It’s been the same bloody advert for like 20 years and they haven't had to change it. Pepsi need to pull their finger out! They should reinvent Santa; he could wear blue, should probably be black (for diversity purposes), can shoot lasers out of his eyes and transform into Rudolph.
Who wouldn't want to see that advert? A family distraught because their oven is broken and can't cook their Christmas dinner, then all of a sudden Rudolph crashes through the window, transforms into black Santa and uses his laser vision to cook the turkey in 5 seconds flat, Christmas is saved!
 
The tag line could be: 'Pepsi, it's not as good as Coke.'
 
The big advert this year is the John Lewis snowman advert; for those who haven't seen it, it stars 2 snowmen, snowpeople? Whatever the plural for snowman is?!
There's a snowman and a snowwoman (they're not anatomically correct, there's no 'snow boob' action or anything) and the story is the snowman wants to buy the snowwoman a present from John Lewis, naturally, a middle class snowman it would appear.
You see him travel for miles; across fields, a stream, up a mountain etc. and then you witness the most disturbing of scenes. Now, you'll have seen this bit and thought it completely harmless but once I tell you, you'll understand the true horror. There's a scene where the snowman hides behind a dumpster looking horrified as some people have a snowball fight. Seemingly harmless, but the only way you can relate this is if it were 2 humans, it had rained skin and some other species was throwing balls of that skin at each other for fun! This is on pre watershed too, kids will never sleep again and if your child still sleeps, he's probably a remorseless skin ball throwing lunatic.

Got wood?

 
I digress, he eventually makes it to John Lewis and heads home (you don't see his journey back, must have just got a taxi or skipped the Metro) to give his gift.
 
The advert ends with the reveal of the gift, discarded wrapper at her feet (stump), I presume they wrapped it in store as I'm not sure snowmen have the dexterity for gift wrapping, hell, I don't either and I've got opposable thumbs!

The present in question is a hat, scarf and gloves; a weak present for a human but a horrendous gift for a snowwoman. The last thing she needs is something that's going to keep her warm!
All I can imagine is he's been stuck next to her chattering on and is sick of her and wants to watch her slowly melt before his dark raisin eyes!

I'd like to see a follow up to the advert in about June time with the words 'John Lewis: all good things must come to an end.' And there's just an image of two carrots in a puddle.

Maybe I've missed the point?

It doesn't matter anyway as the Mayan calendar runs out on the 21st, so obviously, the world's going to end.
I don't see what the big deal is anyway, my Spice Girls calendar ran out in 1997 and nothing happened (well, the bullying stopped.)
I'm using the excuse to eat the remainder of my advent calendar on the 20^th, lest my soul has to spend eternity wondering what was behind that little door on the 22^nd.

I’m glad it’s not Christmas every day, it’s a pain in the arse.

Bah humbug.

Social Networking: Reading this may be bad for your health

It’s 5 am, and I’ve been up all night reading nonsense on the internet; nonsense because nothing I’ve read has helped forwards the advancement of me as person and nonsense because people are stupid.

I am people.

I’m not sure why we put ourselves through the daily shit storm that is Facebook and Twitter but we do. I probably read more social networking sites than I do actual articles or books. I imagine this will only get worse for the next generation. Of course, it’s easy to have a pop as people mainly state the obvious, like the weather or post pictures with a  cool Instagram filter of their latest meal and I am certainly no better, but why do we care?! Why do I care? I don’t, in theory.

I generally read Facebook or Twitter and scroll through the plethora of useless information on offer until I can take no more, there’s so much shit to wade through you’d need a hazmat suit to survive the onslaught for more than a half hour at a time; casual racism, bigotry and decimation of the English language are some of the tamer things you’ll encounter on your average scroll through, especially now Facebook shows everything your ‘friends’ like and comment on.

We have to suffer a lot of this stuff thanks to acquaintances we have to keep on these networks due to connections like work, mutual friends or in some rare cases family (not mine of course…)

So back to the question at hand, why do so many of us care?

I think because it’s a place to be heard, a place to interact, to be in with in crowd, to not miss out. People hate to feel bad or think of themselves as narcissistic or vacuous but any time you post something of no real substance or consequence, you’re pandering to your own vanity, your own sense of purpose and that you believe people should want to hear what you have to say even if it is: “It’s snowing!”

The exceptions are few and far between, your technophobic grandparents are probably on for genuine reasons such as staying in touch, but most (not all) under 30’s are just posting endless ‘talk to me, look at me’ updates that are pointless and oh so poorly written.

It can’t be good for perpetuating our ever shortening attention spans that we can only stomach such small chunks of text (Twitter’s 140 character limit, anyone?) There’s also an unsettling trend on web forums which is shorthand ‘TL;DR’ which stands for ‘too long; didn’t read’, has it really come to this?!

TL;DR? How about GFY (GO FUCK YOURSELF!)

 

I think it [social networking] may be bad for our health because it angers us (me) more than anything, and most people I know resent they spend so much time reading the unrelenting bile they could do without – but then what the fuck is this blog?

Talk to me, look at me I’m probably bad for your health.

I’m probably just bitter… And I am.

 

Editor’s note: This blog will soon be available as 30 Facebook updates or on audiobook, sometime never.

Opinion: The future should be kept in the shadows...

Okay, I’ll admit, I got an Iphone 5, but in my defence it’s my first ever Iphone and the only other Apple product I’ve bought since the classic Ipod. As a user of several Android devices and a boat load of crashes/glitches later I was due a good phone. The phone’s sleek and does the jobs I need well; text, talk, social networking and the occasional silly app (RobotUnicorn Attack anyone?).

My beef is not with the Iphone itself but with a feature it displays: ‘Facetime’ – to those unaware, that’s video calling to you and me, in which you see the person you’re talking to. This feature’s been around for years on various handsets to some degree or other and is more popular on the imitable Skype service. A feature you’re probably used to seeing on many a sci-fi film the likes of Total Recall et al.

Many Skype users would indeed argue this but I don’t think this feature will ever take off – sure it’s fine from the luxury of your home to talk to people from around the world but it is really needed for the everyman? Do I need to see my girlfriend to tell her I’m heading home? There’s nothing natural about holding your phone aloft so the receiver may see your face as you inadvertently walk into a door or fall down some stairs. Now you may argue this as ridiculous but then we’ve all mistaken a Bluetooth headset user for a mentalist in a supermarket…

I don’t think the future is anything like they’ve guessed, we haven’t developed freakishly long fingers from typing or hunchbacks from sitting for long periods and where are our bloody hoverboards?!

More like Marty McLIE!

I like anonymity of a call, I don’t need the guy in my banks call centre to see the dismay in my eyes when he relays my current account balance to me nor do I want my friends to know I’ve rang them from the toilet. Hell, I text more than I call like most of my male friends, maybe we’re rude or maybe we just like to get to the point.

I think the real advancement for communication will be in the voice recognition field such as Apple’s Siri and its ilk. It’s not perfect but being able to send a text hands free is a god send. I drive a lot and it’s handy to be able to shout a text to my phone and not break the law or career into oncoming traffic. I’m not saying don’t bother with it at all because that’s unfair to the 4 people who use it regularly but maybe not invest so much time into it or laude it as the ‘future’. Maybe I’m just bitter… And I am.

Opinion: The Walking Dead: Episodic Video Game - I’m Not the Hero I’d Imagined

Editor’s note: There won’t be any spoilers, so you can read through care free, or worry; I’m not the boss of you.

The Walking Dead Video Game(Xbox, PS3, PC, MAC & iOS)  is a story driven point and click game made by Telltale Games. Much like the comics and popular HBO television series, the game tells the tale of survivors of a zombie break out and the daily struggles they must go through for survival and maybe the hope of a happy ending.

Now I should mention, I’ve read a few of the comics and am thoroughly enjoying the TV show but the game has left me in two minds; I’ve enjoyed my play through more than most games, but it’s also inadvertently shown me I’m not the hero I’d imagined.

In the game you take the role of Lee Everett a man on his way to jail for reasons to be found out. The game revolves around lots of conversation arcs and making split second decisions that affect who lives and dies and has reverberations for the rest of the game. This in essence is what makes the game so stand out, that your play through will be different to mine, someone by your side in your play through may have died 4 hours ago in mine. It’s these choices that give the game a sense of realism unlike your run of the mill Rambo style shooter and will linger with you long after.

Guns don't kill people; children do.

 

If you make bad decisions the characters affected will hold it against you and may not help you out down the line. It’s rare a game will hold a grudge and resent you, but of course it makes it all the more involving and makes you want to do your best.

Sadly, for me, my best wasn’t good enough and I made a whole load of bad decisions, in general every new character I met soon had little faith in me or outright thought I was an arsehole!

This is when I realised I wasn’t cut out for the game, I’m not denying I am an arsehole, I simply don’t want it pointed out to me in something I use to relax with (video games).

At the end of each (roughly 3 hour) episode, the game displays the statistics of the choices that most people chose and as it’s turns out there was only 9% of all the people playing who were as fucked up at decision making as me. This has real world implications; I drive a car which is capable of decimating lives for example, I should probably pull over to finish writing this.

In summation, I shouldn’t be allowed to make any real life decisions or even try to sway your opinion on anything, though you should definitely check this out if you’re a fan of franchise or otherwise, just do so at your own peril, you could also be a useless arsehole. There’s an irony in a game making me not want to leave the house, even though it’s not to play it!

 

Editor’s note: I also got the worst ending on Black Ops II, somebody stop me!

My Top Ten Zombie Films

Original article: http://www.ppsf.co.uk/the-zombie-lowdown-with-andy-and-ben/

 

When asked to compile a list of my top 10 zombie films I was chomping at the bit of a humans hand to do it. At 26 years old I admittedly have a child like fascination with the macabre world of zombie horror – I love that society always crumbles and watching unlikely people co-operate to survive, if you’re a zombie novice or zombie hunter elite I’m sure my list will satisfy your brain hungry self’s need for gore, guts and guffaws aplenty:

 

10. Zombi AKA Zombie Flesh Eaters (1979)

 Is there something in my eye?

 



Now I’ll be the first to admit this film is terrible, it’s oh so terrible but the kind of terrible where it’s almost good. The film is the only one in which you can see a zombie in an underwater tussle with a shark to see which will be having a watery grave. Ridiculous.

 

9. 28 Days Later (2002)

 

Anyone got the time?

This is the tale of man, waking up alone in hospital bed to find the world gone haywire, a film that won’t leave you for some time after viewing. Though not technically a zombie film as the villains are infected with a rage inducing virus, I couldn’t leave this from my list as the scenes of a deserted London are worth the price of admission alone.

 

8. Night of the living Dead (1968)

Christopher Maloney's latest victim. 

The one that started it all, the original Night of the living Dead is the first in the original Dead trilogy and the film that spurred a genre. The tale of an unfortunate set of survivors spending a night trapped in a zombie sieged farm house is as intense as it is nerve racking. A must see for any true fan though I do personally prefer the 1990 remake. 

 

7. Land of the Dead (2005)

An American with bad teeth; breaking stereotypes.

 

Land of the Dead is George A. Romero’s return to the genre over 20 years later and what a comeback it is, originally titled Dead Reckoning the film is about zombie’s getting gradually smarter very similar to what started with Bub in Day of the Dead(1985). They attack the last haven from the undead called Fiddler’s Green and the hero Riley and his crew must stop them with the use of Dead Reckoning a multimillion pound train-like armoured truck. Just don’t get distracted by the skyflowers.

 

6. Dawn of the Dead (2004)

 

Seriously, kids, brush your teeth!

 

I remember sitting up late the evening before seeing this remake of my all-time favourite film and seeing the first ten minutes of the film previewed, which whet my appetite for the fast paced gore fest that ensued. This was the first film I’d watched where the zombies ran (rather than shambled) which to this day I’m not a fan of but this was a fast paced, action packed remake I couldn’t help but enjoy, even if it did lose the social commentary of the original.

 

5. Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988)

Zombies; in one ear, out the other.

 

Long before Shaun of the Dead showed us that zombies could be as scary as they are funny came this gem. A hilarious take on the zombie films of yore in which the zombies could only be killed by lighting which set up a cheeky nod to Michael Jackson’s Thriller video. This was the first series of film’s to have zombies talk and coined the classic ‘BRAINS!’ which is to be yelped from the undead for generations.

 

4. Shaun of the Dead (2004)

He who supplied it, denied it.

 

The first ‘ZomRomCom’; Shaun of the Dead is a hilarious tale of retail worker nobody ‘Shaun’ finding himself amidst a break-up and viral break out!
 It’s a genuinely funny film with equal measures of both gore and tomfoolery! What I like most about it is even non-zombie fans will enjoy even if they are missing the countless nods to the classics of the genre.

 

3. Night of the Living Dead (1990)

 Tissue, anyone?

 



This 1990 remake of the 1968 original is one the better remakes in the overcrowded genre. I personally prefer the remake to the original due in parts to the advancement of technology and Director Tom Savina’s use of gore (I’m rather blood thirsty). Though it could be that I saw this before the original but none the less a brilliant film and the story that started it all.

 

 2. Day of the Dead (1985)

            Side effects of listening to Gangnam Style on repeat!

 

Probably the most underrated of the original Dead trilogy; Day of the Dead tells the tale of a group of scientists and soldiers vying for control in a underground army bunker, the soldiers thinking only of themselves and the scientists searching fruitlessly for a cure or some kind of solution. A much slower pace than the others gives this film opportunity to explore other avenues such the infamous zombie named Bub who slowly learns how to act more human with time.

 

1. Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Mind Blown.

My all-time favourite zombie film for many reasons; I remember seeing this as a child walking into my cousins’ living room and seeing the scene where a zombie clambers on to some boxes and inadvertently get the top of its skull lopped off by the rotating blades of a helicopter, I was enthralled. I love the story and it’s nod to the zombie like nature of modern consumerism which was a big change in the world at the time, the film being shot in one of America’s first ever shopping malls. Though as a child I loved the freedom of having a mall to yourself the most and that’s all anyone wants really, to have everything you could ever need!

There you have it, you should also watch The Walking Dead TV series, now bugger off.

X-Factor

So, the yearly circus that is The X-Factor is over and was won unsurprisingly by the looming ginger ogre that is James Arthur. I can’t deny it, the boy can sing, but he’s only as original as his first song. He delivers every song exactly the same; starts of slow, build up to a crescendo then screams while shaking his head at the disbelief he’s still on stage. I liked him for about 2 weeks when I thought, if he gets kicked out the show he won’t have to help undo Mr Cowell’s lofty belt pre-fellatio and may be picked up by a label that will market him well and hone his original songs. Instead he’s been originality emasculated; they even tried to pretty him up. All I’m saying is if my daughter brought him home I’d say ‘take him back!’ and ‘who are you?! I don’t even have a daughter!’

Anyway, we all know who the real winner was: Tulisa’s boobs.

Poor buggers were squeezed into every shape imaginable, like meaty dodecahedrons! Her opinion was about as coveted as her oral skills. The week she sang live on the show she was far outshone by the pop veteran Pink, I’m no Pink fan but there was no contest. She only stood out in N-Dubz because she was the only female of the 4 tits on show (two of which were hers.)

I couldn’t take Barlow seriously without the beard (he needs it, it’s so slimming) and he sounds like Ringo Starr narrating Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends. If power ballad maestro Christopher ‘I love me Nan’ Maloney wasn’t his act, I reckon he’d have slammed him when they give out their comments. He already tried to bin him once.

Nicole Scherzeminimerler was supposed to be this year’s feather rustler but failed to impress. She was wearing this ridiculous dress with a chest plate on akin to the ones that adorn coffins or the outside of listed buildings. There was a beautiful moment of live show mishap when they cut to her when she was polishing it with a handkerchief like the vacuous waste of skin she is. Contracting a name and an expressive word doesn’t make anything particularly Jahmazing, just makes you come across as a Nicunt!

Louis is the only judge I can stomach, and that’s only because you have to be nice to pensioners and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a homophobe.

Another crap outing for a routinely crap show, but I watched it because I’m the lemming following the sheep.

Oblique

Life’s shitty if you think about it... You get older and regret all the mistakes you’ve made and thanks to hindsight - the laughing hyena of time, you get to ponder ‘what ifs?’ or other unrealistic perfect scenarios.

I’m only 26 and think ‘Man, how was I ever 18 years old?’ I thought I knew it all, I was and still am an idiot, sure, I’m a better version than before but that’s experience, we do learn from our mistakes in most cases but then you can’t teach an old dog new tricks or in my case you can’t teach a lazy dog anything! If you’re not naturally gifted at something what do you? You work at it; you slog your guts trying to get better and for what? Happiness, have we even figured out what that is yet?!

That age old question of what would you do if you could go back?! I mean I’m single, live at home and have a meaningless job I hate:  a summation of my life in one singular term would be floundering, but if I knew then what I knew now? I wouldn’t have stuck in at school; I would have stuck in at college, went to university and got a degree, if not for anything other than superiority and to not be considered second class to somebody’s beloved wonder child with their honours in photography!

It seems to be frowned upon that you be single in your mid-twenties, one can only imagine how horrendous and condescending people must become if you’re 30 plus. The problem is two-fold; now that I know how to be upfront and honest and tell a girl I like her and would like to take her  out there aren’t many girls who meet my exceedingly ridiculous standards (a gorgeous girl who loves video games, sex and doesn’t mind my constant sarcastic remarks and me laughing at them and explaining them if she doesn’t get them), and the biggest problem being that most lovely well-adjusted demi-goddess’ tend to be taken or bound by a gold plated Chinese finger-trap.

I’m not stupid enough to be happy or smart enough to do anything amazing with my life but I’m not an idiot, a pseudo-intellectual/idiot savant, I have a job of reasonable income and I have a car and I can even stay out as late as I want. On paper I’m boyfriend material but in practice at 26 years old I’m seeing the signs of old age creeping  up on me; being told I dress ‘too young’ for my age by younger colleagues, finding more grey hairs with each passing second and laughter lines leaving their mark, what’s an unskilled average guy to do?

Women say there are no good men left, I profess a change: there are no great men left.

There’s an abundance of good men; hardworking, honest, caring men, but they’re not ripped and don’t have bank accounts that have more digits than your telephone number. TV has ruined mine and your expectations of love, we’ll never meet a bus stop, I won’t be your shoulder to cry on until you realise I’m the one and I won’t be interrupting your wedding to confess my undying love or how I touch myself in your honour… Fuck you Hugh Grant, Julia Roberts and the movie industry, you’ve made more unrealistic expectations of love than Disney and the Kama Sutra combined.

I’m only 26, in theory I’m not even half way through but if my quarter century plus one has taught me anything is that happiness is an illusion and life’s main purpose is distraction; TV, internet, video games, and hell even sport! Just distract yourself from your pitiful blip in the annals of time and get on with it, you can be the champion of the world but you’ll never truly be remembered, Joe Bloggs won’t know any more than your name, face and respective accomplishments but he’ll never know you, no one will remember your true essence.

Outlook: Bleak.

But hey, you’re an animal with survival instincts and chances are your brain will fight off the thoughts of suicide and replace them with cravings for cake, sex and the latest Call of Duty… It ain’t all bad!

A guy’s gotta eat.